Friends

What is a friend to do? What is a friend to say? What is a friend to be? What is a friend? Where are they? What do they look like? What do friends expect out of other friends?  What is most important to friends?  How can you find a friend in a crowd? Do friends have faults?  What are friends NOT?

Friends are not mere acquaintances! There is a big difference. The former is a bond in many forms. It's an allegiance. The latter are those with whom people liaison every day. Yes, they may be people that are "liked", but include those "neutral" and some that you even "dislike". If there is any bond at all, it's weak and may easily dissipate with time. Friends are like family.... they are forever! Acquaintances change and changing those with whom you mingle may be done lightly because the  bond is weak!

"Bond' is the key to friendship. There is an invisible "gorilla glue" which holds friends together.  In The Bible is where I look to find what friendship is because philio describes that bond! It's brotherly love. Yes, love is the primate glue which bonds people together.

The best example of a friend in the Bible was who? The right answer... tah dah... is Jonathan! He was  a friend to King David.

The first thing to examine is the "bond" between friends. It's how they are two people cemented together for one purpose; mutual love and support!

1 Samuel 18:3 "Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul."

In Hebrew "love" is pronounced 'ahabah.   It's of the feminine form. No, it's not man-woman love, but it's the emotional love women more often display than men! Jonathan and David put aside their warrior instincts and loved each other emotionally, being the bond which made the two as one.!

After glue is applied, oftentimes it's necessary to provide a catalyst to make it hold. I use JB Weld quite often. It is a glue and a hardener. Without both being mixed together, each are merely similar, but different substances. When they come together they form a bond as strong as a weld! The mixing of the two materials is done when each tube is opened, amounts are extruded, then the two stirred together for a common purpose. In a short time the two similar elements, even with different attributes, becomes one and the strength therein is so much greater than the composite of the two!

That glue which held David and Jonathan together was a "covenant". With a covenant two or more promise to be serious and supportive in their relationship. It's formal in that it is bound in the presence of God in the case of Jonathan and David. They didn't have to "bond" alone, but God provide the bonding agent. Again, that glue that holds friends together is 'ahabah... LOVE!

Friends mean much to me! Once a person is my friend they always will be. There is no end to friendship. Their is no document I sign, but my heart is in covenant with the person I call "friend" and those who are friends are few. It's just not possible to have an emotional attachment to many, but each of us select just a few worthy of a bond as that! A covenant to befriend forever: thick or thin, anger or agreement, bad times or good and CONTINUALLY!

Let's look at best friends Jonathan and David. What were they to each other?

1 Samuel 18:4  "And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle."

What was Jonathan's became David's. A key element of friendship is "generosity". Jonathan gave David the "shirt off his own back"! When we give things to friends there is only one expectation: that the friend desires to have what is given!  We don't force unwanted things, feelings and emotions on friends. They accept them willingly and without question. Friends are close enough that when something is not wanted, they just say so!

1 Samuel 19:2a "But Jonathan Saul's son delighted much in David..."

Friends enjoy the companionship of each other. "Delight" is when there is strong pleasure with each other and the two have mutual happiness. It must be mutual because if it's only one, the friendship is unidirectional and is fraudulent on the part of one!

1 Samuel 19:4a "And Jonathan spake good of David unto Saul his father."

Friends are supportive! Friends don't speak ill of each other. There is mutual support and we encourage others to see the qualities our friend has! People are imperfect, but friends give the benefit of the doubt. They realize that mistakes are made, but we speak on the positive attributes of friends. Friends don't compete for grandeur, but build each other up! (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

1 Samuel 19:7b "And Jonathan brought David to Saul, and he was in his presence, as in times past."

Friends mend friendships of others. They don't feel the need to be exclusive, but desire to  open the system, which is so enjoyable, to others so that others are part of the bond. Yes, three can be friends! Sometimes triangulation occurs and one friend becomes alienated. True friends work to bring the friendship system back into functionality! They don't look at "my friend", but "our friends"!  Friends aren't jealous of others friendships, but are happy for the other person!

1 Samuel 20:3b "he (David) saith, Let not Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved:

Friends protect the feelings of each other. They shield each other from emotional pain. They are there for the other person! Friends who are not there for friends actually can cause grief. Friends ruminate when friends are not there for them. Rumination creates anxiety and the absence of friends can actually make a person emotionally sick. That's the grief from which David shielded Jonathan. Friends don't want other friends to hurt inside for any reason!

As an example, I had a friend "Gus". I was always busy at work and when Gus passed by I never even saw him! At other times Gus would say "I really need to talk with you!". I was busy. My response was always "Later! I'm too busy right now."

After a few days of this slight in our friendship Gus passed by again. He said "Larry, I really really need to talk to you!" I again said "Later!", but I thought, "I've said that too many times before."  I then stopped what I was doing and said "What's up, Gus?" He replied "Why don't you ever want to talk with me anymore?" I was dumbfounded! I was guilty of doing exactly what he wanted to speak to me about! Gus was anxious. He said to himself "I thought Larry was my friend! What's the matter" What did I do wrong?" In his mind, I found out later, he had ruminated to sickness! He never knew what was wrong and his mind told him a million things that were!

1 Samuel 20:4 Then said Jonathan unto David, Whatsoever thy soul desireth, I will even do it for thee.

Friends do things unconditionally. We try to make the lives of our friends as smooth as possible. We give of ourselves to our friends! It doesn't have to be material because "what the heart desires" is sincerity and love. With my friends, the one thing I cherish is time with them! Friends who make little time for friends fail to do the minimum. Sometimes being a friend takes sacrifice. We may want to stay home and rest, but we somehow get the energy it takes to be there for a friend! I do things I despise to do because friends may like doing them.

1 Samuel 20:18a Then Jonathan said to David, To morrow is the new moon: and thou shalt be missed...

When we're in the presence of friends we enjoy being with them! In contrast when friends are not there, they're missed! One way we can tell a friend is how much they're missed when they are absent! Friends manage time and take time to be friends. It's a busy world, but friendships are worth watering!  Without the watering the friend may feel that the bond has weathered. Sometimes some heat needs to be added to the bond to restore it's strength. That "heat" is "being together"!

1 Samuel 20:39 But the lad knew not any thing: only Jonathan and David knew the matter.

Part of the bond in friendships is sharing. There are things known only between friends and they should be and stay that way! When we talk of things to each other, it should be "in the vault" as Seinfeld would say! Confidence in each other is necessary. Friends trust friends to honor personal matters. We must be able to share things with friends without our confidentiality being breached.

1 Samuel 20:42a And Jonathan said to David, Go in peace, forasmuch as we have sworn both of us in the name of the Lord, saying, The Lord be between me and thee, and between my seed and thy seed for ever

The best friendships are those based on the tenets of God. We are to be loving as God loved us! God commands love and friends do just that! In fact God wants our love to be for everybody, not just friends, but God ordains fellowship among Christian brothers and sisters. Friendships based on God's glue has more strength and resilience than friendships based on the secular.

1 Samuel 23:16 And Jonathan Saul's son arose, and went to David into the wood, and strengthened his hand in God.

There is power when two people pray together and there is power when two people support each other in the things of God!  Friends are there in hardships as well as glorious times. It's always tempting to slight a friend when the friend does wrong in your eyes, but friends turn to God for support. Part of that support is forgiveness of the iniquities of our friends, but telling them graciously is what close friends do.

I was dating the wrong girl one time. One person criticized me. He knew of her darker side as did many others, but that friend had the courage to tell me where I went wrong. Sure I was angry, but eventually I was thankful because his friendship delivered me from peril!

2 Samuel 1:17 And David lamented with this lamentation over Saul and over Jonathan his son:

We are to be empathetic with friends. We feel bad for them when they feel bad. Also, we can encourage them from their sadness because we feel what they feel. As Bill Clinton said "I feel your pain!".  However, we're to feel compassion and want our friend to quit hurting because we hurt when they do! The best thing to do as a friend is just be there for the person! A friend senses when a friend needs them and is there!

2 Samuel 9:1 And David said, Is there yet any that is left of the house of Saul, that I may shew him kindness for Jonathan's sake?

We do things for friends! In this case it was to be kind to friends of friends, but it is being kind in all ways to the friend and his needs.  If we're always grumpy and selfish with "friends" I would question "Is this person a friend?" or "What can I do to be more kind to this friend? The answer to that is being more of a friend!

2 Samuel 21:7 But the king spared Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan the son of Saul, because of the Lord's oath that was between them, between David and Jonathan the son of Saul.

When things get tough and we're tempted to abandon friends, we are to remember that covenant. It's an oath! True, you may not have written the covenant down or made a deal with the friend, but you both know that friendship is there! If you remember that command to "love", then we're commanded to love that friend!

Friendship has continuity! Friends don't abandon friends! It's a life long thing for true friendship even when things go wrong. People have failed me. Those friends who are no longer around find friendships more causal than I do and more so than what God deems friendship.

I think of a close person who abandoned me three years ago. I did all that I could to preserve that friendship, but on her part, it cannot be. I'm dead to her! How is that possible? Was there mutual friendship there ever? For me, she will always be my friend, and like the prodigal son, this lady is my prodigal friend. She will be welcomed back if she ever decides to come back!