Daily Cliffyisms

Cliffy was the postman who always sat at the bar in the sitcom Cheers. Cliffy always had a high opinion of his own understanding and shared it, unasked, with whomever expressed interest; or not!  Most of Cliffy's knowledgeable quotes were partially true, but mostly incorrect. Cliffy was laughable because of his intelligent stupidity. Cliffy was a know-it-all! Many people on social media are Cliffy's. Yes, sometimes we ALL are!

The newer ones are at the top of the list).

1. Yes, I am incontinent. Never made it to Antarctica.
2. I'm not stupid, I just say assthetic thiings.
3. I'm spiritual, but not religious. I guess I don't know what I am.
4. I don't even know the deafignation of "mistake".
5. Insidious is a kind of plant like a snap dragon.
6. Rhinoplasty? Oh, that's when rhinoceri get plastered on fermented foilage.
7. I'm pissenchanted with life!
8. Dysexia: A lifelong dysfunction suffered by men, normally having an onset at age 14, where all read words have sexual connotations.
9. Terrific is the state of being terrified.
10. I graduated "Summer Come Loud". Top of my class I was!
11. Being pragmatic is when women get pregnant without trying.
12. Women are like men, but without a kickstand.
13. Socialism isn't too bad. When I'm drunk at parties I'm uninhibited and quite socialist!
14. My feet step all over me.
15. The postman told the postwoman "The male must go through".
16. My back hurts so I'm going to a masochist today.
17. I fart, therefore I am! If I can't fart, then I'm not, because all people fart!
18. Urgency is being around urchins too long!
19. You may be wrong, but let's go with it! No one will notice.
20. I don't know if it's going to be a boy or a girl, but it's one or the other.
21. "Vomit" is  a hybrid car; a cross between an old Valiant and a Comet.
22. Aboriginals are the original abnormal people.
23. I slept with the love of my life. Don't tell my wife!
24. Why can't the side effects of my pills ever last for four hours?
25. My wish is that my wish comes true!
26. Yesterday I will be younger than I was today.
27. People call me brain dead. I have the brain of a dinosaur!
28. Jeopardy is when one crosses a jackal with a leopard. Don't believe that? Just look at the breeder run!
29. I love a breeze so I got out my osculating fan!
30. I took my wedding vowels seriously! When I was married she hit me hard and I said a-e-i-o-u! 
31. Love is not having to say that you're wrong.
32. The Pentegon was named that because the military is either penned up in there or gone somewhere.
33. Justice is only served when the mob gets their own way.
34. "I can hardly contain myself" means that my inside is bigger than my outside!
35. Jeopardy is what a jealous leopard has!
36. I'm not passionate about anything, but I vote my heart.
37. Being pragmatic is automatically pragging.
38. I'm confident in what I say is correct always. I hope you agree?
39. Momentum is Latin for "I'll be there in a moment".
40. A penal institution is a place where only men can be sent.
41. Wow! I wish I could think of a palindromic word! Perhaps "Sarah Palin" would be one!
42. It's called the Pentegon because that's where we make the enemy wish they had repented!
43. He axed me a question as I answered.
44. She's a gorgeous girl even though she gorges herself with food.
45. He didn't stretch the truth. He just exacerbated.
46. Veterans Day honors all veterinarians.
47. Those who practice barbarism should have went to a better barber college.
48. If you think the sky is blue, then close your eyes at sundown and look again.
49. Shallow people have thinner shadows than do normal people.
50. I heard that girl's name is Annie Climactic. It's no wonder her family didn't get excited when she was born!
51. By the way "proselytizing" is the manipulation of swollen prostates.
52. Islam is actually a compression of the term "I Slam" because that's their method of proselytizing. 
53. God dealt the most elite people a full deck of cards. I pity those playing with half their deck missing. 
54. I don't understand why people are offended at what I say! When they develop the wisdom that I have they'll understand my words better.
55. My coin collection has some dated as early as 1200 B.C.!
56. I save my old calendars in case I need them again.
57. Jesus was transformed on the mountain. I bet Peter Cullen would be amazed at that!
58. It would be nice of my medicine had four-hour side effects other than intestinal gas!
59. The six of us can't fit in a car, but my entire family sang a duet a church/ 
60. My new girlfriend said that I osculated well. That made me so sick! I'd never do anything like that!
61. I'm offended! He called my wife a thespian, but I know she's not.
62. You can call me a halfwit, but how dare you call me nitwit!
63. My half brother and I were twins.
64. Quit calling me weak-kneed! I'm apathetic.
65. Look at this new bib! It keeps spilled wine off my shirt. When I wear it, it's a winebibber.
66. I like being a cynosure. If you have a big nose, it can't go unnoticed!
67. Cows which graze on hillsides have stronger calves.
68. I'm not redundant. Am I? Am I?
69. I can see clearly because my eyes are opaque.
70. It's almost exactly 11:12 PM to approximate the time.
71. I had all my records digitized. I put my thumb print on each page.
72. You know how I learned to speak Latin? I read their telephone books.
73. I get disgruntled easily. If you tape my mouth I don't grunt at all!
74. Those ambidextrous have opposite feelings all at the same time.
75. The Battle of the Bulge wasn't won in France. It was lost to French food.
76. I had an enigma because I was constipated.
77. When I was a child my mom incarcerated me in a '55 Olds while she went shopping.
78. I pity those with tattoo diabetes. I always tell them not to mark themselves!
79. I'm always astounded at the breathe of my own knowledge. 
80. Ambiguity makes things crystal clear for me. It removes the cataracts from my mind's eye.
81. I've forgotten more than most people know if my memory serves me right.
82. Epicureans give the prettiest manicures. Epic!
83. Because I "think" I "am", I think.
84. I believe that being a shallow thinker is an attribute.
85. How dare you! Don't ever accuse me of being astute again!
86. I'm smarter than even the those most vacuous.
87. "Wow" is an example of a Palindrome.It's because Sarah Palin said Wow so much.
88. I'm not prefect. Sometimes I make arrows.
89. When I get upset in my stomach I get nostalgia.
90. Antonyms are hard to control. They are the newly hatched ants who aren't out in search of food yet.
91. My friend named his sickly son "Flem". I guess he didn't know how to spell it correctly: "Phlegm".
92. Oxymorons are ammonia cleaning agents for fools.
93. Freud says that there is competition between father and son for the sexual affection of the mother. My dad doesn't even want to have sex with her! Why should I?
94. Those who are dead don't worry about dying. Why should the living worry about it?
95. I like to sing Acapulco so that the music doesn't drown out my voice.
96. I've invested in some land in town. Where? Uh, at Crown Hill Cemetery (blush).
97. The girl got her foot decapitated in the car wreck!
98. I've got neuropathy. I think I'll go to the Neuropathist.
99. What comes after "the fat lady singing" and it's over? The fat lady gasping for breath.
100. There are three things men prefer in life: women.
101. It's a well known fact that men think buxomy women are the most qualified.
102. I like my steaks brazen. Those who eat pink meat are sissies!
103. Germs aren't germane to the discussion of a virus.
104. I don't like people who proselytize. I can't help if I have prostrate trouble and they shouldn't make fun of it!
105. People don't respect their feet. They walk on them and then complain because they hurt'em.
106. Kissing is sucking on a long tube filled with things you ate yesterday.
107. Transparency is when you can see through the thin skin of  politicians.
108. I'm not lazy. I just don't like to work!
109. I've got a good mammary. I inherited it from my mama.
110. A not so smart girl said "No, I don't see what you mean. I was born blond!"
111. Men like to employ women with big breasts and small minds so they can't figure out who just squeezed them!
112. Chevrolet makes a truck called the "Sonoma". Next year they'll make a sedan called the "Carcinoma".
113. It's called "Mass", but should be "Mess". The early church father's just misspelled what they were doing.
114. Pontifex Maximus means "Supreme Pontiff" or "Pope".He was called "Pontiff" because his favorite car was named after that.
115. I 'm diversed from my wife... I'm just one of many for her!
116. "Feast" is derived from "fast"! They only added an "e" for eating and they have a new word.
117. Eggs must have came first. It's easier for an egg to be laid than a hen. Do you know how hard it is for a rooster to lay a chicken?
118. I have the big head to hold my huge brain. 
119. I'd never kiss you! Oscillating is for romanticists.
120. Because I'm smarter than you doesn't mean you're dumber.
121. I don't have anything against Arabs. My mother even knits Afghans!
122. 9/11 will always be special to me! That's where I bought my first cigarettes.
123. You always screw things up turning clockwise. That's why I don't do anything wearing a watch.
124. The Pope's word is gospel because Jesus should have said that it was.
125. I know all about how Washington is run. I vacationed there one time.
126. Peri-Donald disease is the virus now spreading which is "all about Donald" being the next President.
127. "Fasting" is called that because if you eat little it digests quicker.
128. You need to be pacific when you say things.
129. Ignorant people just have a lot to say, but they don't know what it is.
130. I wear a uniform. Yeah, I'm a Vet. I went to Purdue Agricultural School.
131. My head isn't as big as the thoughts within it.
132. "Indians" are called that because it's Apache for "red".
133. Lies which merely distort the truth aren't lies at all.
134. If you could read my mind you'd be astounded at how convex it is!
135. Before I argue with others I have to convince myself that I'm right in spite of the evidence.
136. I love flowers and landscaping. I guess I'm a naturalist at heart!
137. I'm always pacific in my speech.
138. People who use great big words have a large vocabulary.
139. I've believe that silence is better than golden. It's silvery.
140. I can feel people dislike me when their hate is solid.
141. Chemicals are more toxic when awful people spill them.
142. Data proves that there is a magnetic attraction between water and cell phones.  
143. 1 +1 equals 3 and it is called multiplication.
144. 2 + 2 does not make 4 on the bilateral numbering system.
145. There are three things on my mind and two of them are on your chest.
146. Indians are at fault of all our problems. They should have kept us out.
147. I once had a double barrel shotgun. I had to duck every time I shot it!
148. Shortsighted people can see the earth is flat. Those who look afar just imagine it's round.
149. The sun shines always, but the clouds cools it down so that it doesn't seem so hot.
150. There's advantages to being shallow. Shallow people never need waders. 
151. Although money will buy almost everything, if you don't have more than the next guy, you don't have anything.
152. Two plus two is not four in Washington. They have the  bicameral numbering system.
153. I'm glad you voted for "change". It was the big bucks I voted for.
154. Anyone can see that my humility keeps me from bragging.
155. It's called "crap" because John Crapper was the first person who crapped. 
156. Kosher bacon strips are the leanest and cleanest.
157. Pubic speaking makes me feel ill at ease!
158. The famous Wright brothers manufactured the first cough drops.
159. My grandfather was an early photographer. Grandma said he did stereotypes.
160. I am above having strong opinions, unlike all the rest of you opinionated people!
161. The killing of any animal is inhumane although I like a good steak!
162. If I could share my mind, I'd have less to think about!
163. You think I'm stupid? The capitol of Kentucky is spelled L-O-U-I-S-V-I-L-L-E.
164. Holes in underwear have a hidden purpose. It's to allow the legs to go through.
165. His murdering was more extreme. He did it out of hate!
166. Blaming others is a legitimate way of justifying your own mistakes.
167. The Bible speaks about publicans and sinners. I'm not a sinner so I vote Republican.
168. I went to Naples many times. It's a beautiful city arising out of water with plenty of canals!
169. Dictionaries are for people who dictate. 
170. I'm always right and never let pride enter into the picture!
171. It doesn't matter how much you eat and how little you burn if you eat fast enough to burn off what you eat.
172. Artificial sweetener causes cancer and heart trouble so I use real sugar on everything.
173. Slimfast doesn't work. I drank 5 cans Monday and actually gained weight!
174. Since cream cheese is lighter than water, eating it actually makes a person weigh less.
175. I always think twice before I say anything. I don't know if I thought before I said that.
176. Never call me "astute". That's a fighting word!
177. I have Washington's hatchet. I broke the handle and changed it, then I lost the blade end, but have another one now.
178. That's not a sunburn. I smack my forehead when things begin to make sense. 
179. Speed of light! Any fool can see that it takes a day for the light from the sun to reach earth!
180. Women are fatter than men because they're bigger around.
181. I found a really scarce nickel dated 12 B.C.
182. In Asia watches run counterclockwise.
183. You need to speak with more detail! Be pacific.
184. Some states succeeded from the Union.
185. If everybody would just get along we'd all get along.
186. Pain only hurts when we're hurting.
187. I can discern things better than most discerning people can.
188. We need to conserve water. The earth only has so much and we don't want to use it all up!
189. I believe that linking intelligence of the races to genetics is ignorance, but that believing homosexuals are born that way, is enlightenment.
190. In spite of most people turning in middle age, they all are still born that way.
191. It's a proven fact that those who hug trees believe themselves to be more loving.
192. All environmental destruction is caused by people. If it wasn't for people there would be no smoke. 
193. Extra cold air in the Arctic Circle is caused by global warming.
194. In England they drive on the wrong side of the road because most people there are left handed.
195. Flat tires are caused by old air. 
196. If you drive fast it takes less gas because you get to where you're going sooner.
197. Cows farting is the worst cause of global warming.
198. I learned Latin from reading their phone books.
199. I hate people who hate others.
200. I read that between the lines.
201. It must be true because most people believe it.
202. Yellow people must all be cowards.
203. What's wrong with race jokes? Runners are funny too!
204. Electrons flow in our brains. That's why some thoughts are shocking.
205. I understood very little of your comment, but let me give an opinion on what I did understand.
206. I wrote a comment on Facebook today: "Only idiots write on Facebook!"
207. I'm never intolerant. I'm equally selective who I choose to dislike.
208. People who use their left hand only do it because they can't use their right hand.
209. Ambidextrous people can think on both sides of their brains.
210. He got his head decapitated when he stuck his neck out the car window.
211. "INUA" I commented. That means "I Never Use Acronyms".
212. Incredible people can't be believed!
213. Evolutionists believe that life started with the egg, and creationists that it started with the chicken. I like eggs and chickens so I say they are both right.
214. Cream cheese is the substance of which all good things are made. Why else would all recipes have it?
215. Cows who graze on mountainsides have stronger calves.
216. It's a proven fact that facts can't be proven.
217. If at first you don't succeed you have made the first step in a journey of failure.
218. Vain people stand in front of mirrors, not because they think they're attractive, but because mirrors are there.
219. If no one else is in the restroom farts are all silent.
220. What you just said was just plane stoopid!
221. My daddy is the one who learnt me good English.
222. Men in uniform need respect because there is nothing more important than the mail.