I once was involved with a drug rehabilitation program because of a family member. As such there was a high degree of confidentiality. Anything about anybody was to be first hand and it was "put in the vault" according to the Seinfeld Lexicon (The Jerry Seinfeld Show).
What this entails is that no one is to gossip. Everybody, it seems, gossips. When people talk they speak idle talk, maybe even true talk, of others about personal matters; matters in which confidentiality is stressed and if revealed, is even damaging. The more chance of damage which may result, the better the tid-bit! Gossip is a conscious or sub-conscious technique of denigrating others; even those we are to love!
Proverbs 16:28 (ESV) "A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends."
Proverbs 6:16 (ESV) "There are six things that the Lord hates; seven that are an abomination to him: 17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, 18 a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, 19 a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers."Wow! It's unrighteous to gossip, but yet Christians do just that! I would bet, based on observations, that Christians may even be worse then the infidels because infidels take pride in their deeds. Rather than gossip, they speak so everyone can hear, being honest with their insults!
Gossip is meant to separate, divide, humiliate, and denigrate. Gossip is how a jealous person splits friendships. Gossip causes bitterness between friends! (Proverbs 16:28).
The Lord hates gossip. (Proverbs 16:16). It's one of the seven things he mentions together which disgusts him! He equates gossipers with lustfulness, lying, murder, wickedness, and an eagerness to sin! Yep! It's disgusting to God, yet Christians gossip all the time!
Gossiping is putting bad grapes in with the good wine. It's makes what should be effervescent and delectable to be pungent and moldy. It's the bad grape vine, which is in the midst of the vineyard, disguising itself as just another good vine. The juice it produces kills, yet Christians offer their bad wine in new glasses.
Person "A" divulged confidential information to three people. He trusted them because they were friends. He asked that they tell no one else of his information because what was shared in confidence had the potential to hurt innocent people. You say "But 'A' should not share the information then!" Sometimes people need to discuss issues with friends for guidance and comfort. We all need a confidant! However, those in whom we confide should be few. People just can't keep secrets. It's human nature.
One of persons "B", "C" or "D" recounted the story to person "E". Perhaps it was a spouse or another friend. Perhaps all three or two of the three breached confidentiality! At any rate, the vine began to grow!
I was not a part of the scenario. It was none of my business! It wasn't about me nor any of my concern. However, I learned very quickly, within a few days, this confidential information. I heard it (without inquiring by the way) from another who was not part of "B, C, D, E, F" or any of these. The vine had grown! I heard it from another who was way "shoots" way down the vine!
Gossip may be truth, a mix of truth with falsehoods or outright lies. Most of the time, gossip becomes outright falsehoods whose root is in truth. Face it, truth often is dull. It must be gussied up to be more exciting. After all, who wants to hear a dull story without a murder?
Aggrandizement is gussying up the story to make it more juicy. Even the mannerisms transmitted adds excitement! When someone tells a story with wide eyes and haughty demeanor, it accentuates. People are good at making a poor story interesting. Most often, it belittles the one who is the subject of the gossip.
Furthermore, people fail to listen well, and many even fail to put thoughts into good words. What was once said, when repeated with multiplicity, becomes an exaggeration of what really occurred. Oftentimes, the original statement can't even be detected since original context was lost in the growing of the vine! People are poor communicators. I have a motto: "Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see!" Why? Because of poor communication, biased or untruthful people or misunderstanding. Chico Marx (paraphrased) once said "Who are you going to believe me or your own lying eyes?" There is quite a bit truth to this because people have scotomas!
We believe we are seeing it it all when we look, but we fail to gain essential details which can make a difference. For instance, read this again. Read it slowly and with purpose. Did you see that the word "it" is in the sentence twice? It could make a difference in real life! Sometimes our senses lie to us. We see what we want to see and we hear what we want to hear! We not only are selective in our hearing but our seeing as well!
Now let's go back to the drug rehabilitation program. They had two confidentiality rules about gossip: 1) Never speak negatively behind another person's back and, surprisingly, 2) never speak positively when not in the individual's presence! The reasoning behind the former is that it's gossip and destructive. The reasoning behind the latter is two-fold: 1) The recipient deserves to hear the compliment first hand, and 2) If compliments are not done personally, they can be distorted! Let me add, another: be careful with both criticism and compliments. Even when said directly to the person, human beings have an innate ability to be pessimists!
For instance, if I say "You look pretty today! even to one's face there are many outcomes:
- A mature person would say. "Thank you for the compliment. That was nice of you to say that!"
- Another might think "Today? What was wrong with me yesterday?"
- Still another might think "What is it that he wants?"
- Another: "I know I'm not pretty! Is he making fun of me?"
- Another: "I know I'm pretty!" It enhances their narcissism.
- And maybe another "That old geezer is flirting with me, I'm flattered!"
- Or worse yet "That old geezer is flirting with me. I'm offended!"
There may be more outcomes, but only one of these is based on what actually was said. It's not gossip because it was first hand, but it was as destructive as gossip because "Immature people can make immature assumptions and create new facts more in line with their irrational thinking!" (me, today).
Therefore, not only is criticism destructive, but compliments can be as well! We need to keep our compliments first hand and make them with discernment. If there is a chance they can be distorted, some people; those immature will distort!
Now how do we compliment effectively? It's hard, especially for those of different eras, different mind-sets and of opposite sexes. Face it, the opposite sex is accustomed to the technique of flattery to woo. It's imperative that we not give that impression for what we say or do can be misinterpreted! "You look pretty today!" seem so benign, but look at how cancerous it can become!
I had an elderly lady look me in the face and say "I want to go home and go to bed!" I replied "Is that an invitation?" very excitedly and we laughed together. We were both mature in our thinking and her unfortunate selection of sentence building was actually funny! However, others, less mature, would think "That old lady wants to go to bed with me!" It seems silly, but some people grab onto every statement and try to make it an issue! Why?
Satan smiles! Satan needles us to betray friends and friendships. He delights in division and separation for he knows that when Christians are in harmony, God is demeaned. Who wins as the result of gossip and aggrandizement? The devil and his team (for a moment). Who loses? The gossiper, the gossipee, and Jesus! Gossip is a Satanic tactic in minimizing Jesus. Look whose team most people are on!
Ephesians 4:29 (ESV) "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."
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