First off a marriage is not merely a wedding nor does a wedding solely define a marriage. A wedding is a marriage ceremony, but a wedding doesn't necessarily entail a lifelong commitment. In fact weddings, although expensive normally, are in vogue, as marriage is not! Most women look forward to and dream of the ceremony, but think little of what marriage really is and the work required to make it endure. Hence, a wedding is a dating ceremony with bright lights and pomp, but little else, unless it's intent is forever! Furthermore, many who have a wedding do have good intentions for its duration, but have already been trained through fickle dating relationships that divorce is just a consequence of incompatibility and dreams.
Marriage is a legal union, but a document does not make a marriage. It's easy to get a clerk to cut a document and an official to authorize a marriage, but the piece of paper does not make a marriage. People do get married without commitment and sometimes without a sexual relationship associated with marriage. In fact the mode of marriage for years was marriage by "banns". That type of marriage was made by an announcement in church. If no one objected, without further ado, the couple became husband and wife. Most of us had ancestors who were married by banns. Outside some formal denominations there are no records of those marriages, but some of those marriages lasted the longest! They were ordained by God!
Modern marriage is dynamic and different in different cultures. A marriage in some countries is not legal without a civil ceremony and the religious ceremony is after the marriage. In other locales both the civil and religious ceremony are simultaneous. In others only a religious ceremony is required, and in other locales no official act, religious or civil is required. That's called "common-law" marriage and is legal after a long period of cohabitation. In the Christian community the institution of marriage is not dynamic and a Christian commitment was at one time the foundation for marriage in the western world! Let's look at the first marriage:
Genesis 2:18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. 3:12 And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me..." 16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. 20 And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."Woman was created for man. In fact Eve was of Adam and was the mother of of all that were to come! Several points are made in these passages: 1) Marriage is an ordinance of God, 2) Marriage is so that man (and woman) shall have companionship, 3) Man and woman are to be faithful (cleave) to each other, 4) Man and woman shall be in unity and harmony with one another, 5) God is the match-maker and he will provide the mate, 6) The by-product of marriage is to be child-bearing, 7) The married couple should "desire" each other meaning that they are to have sexual attraction and love each other intimately [Eros love], 8) The husband is to be the head of the household, 9) The woman is to be subservient (not a slave) and a helper for the man; being his complement, 10) They are to be comfortable with each other and there shall be no shame in their relationship. These are all God's intent for marriage and with that man and woman were to "know" each other, go forth and multiply. That's what marriage is, but it goes deeper as we will see later!
Why do marriages fail and end in divorce? Just look at the opposite of what marriage is! Marriages fail because God is not paramount in the lives of one or the other, the couple ceases to be friends, one or the other is unfaithful in thought or deed, the couple acts as two individuals rather than as a unit, one or the other takes the mate for granted and fails to honor God for providing the mate, arguments ensure about children and how to raise them, couples lose their sexual desire for one another oftentimes because of triangulation, one or both infringe on the God-given roles of the other, the woman especially and both are to respect and honor each other, there are to be no secrets in marriage and everything is to be exposed, and encompassing all these aspects, marriage is to be for life and approached that way!
If there is trouble in a marriage one only has to look at what's wrong in the points above. To remedy the marriage, it takes work! Each of us can be hard to love and when compared to the muscle-men and unblemished women out there, real people are sometimes less attractive. Likewise, age takes its toll and Satan tells men and women that they can do better. What's more, most marriages are entered into with either partner giving little thought to what marriage really is. How can a marriage work when young people have no idea what marriage truly is! Unfortunately, many marriages have become a means of a source of sex without societal taboo. It's a way to make legitimate the lusts of the flesh and the instinct to propagate the self through children!
Matthew 19:6 (On marriage and whether the married are allowed to divorce) "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."Marriage is an unending institution established by God and divorce is wrong in any case, but allowable in only one:
Matthew 19: 7 "They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? 8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say unto you,whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."Yes, people of old divorced. It was because they were so out of relationship to God that it became nonsensical to punish people for divorcing when their hearts were not on God anyway. Now we know better for Jesus tells us outright! Divorce is a sin and divorcing can make the faithful party sinful if after divorce, they marry an adulterer. Hence, marriage is for life and the only legitimate non-sinful reason for divorce is because one mate or both and is in violation of "they shall be one flesh" and "thy desire shall be to thy husband (or wife)". Infidelity is holding in little regard the institution created by God. (More about this shortly).
Divorce, in God's eyes, is not an option because of incompatibility, bad sex, loss of attraction, an argumentative environment or any other reason! Society exacerbates the difficulty of marriage by propagating the lie of equality of the sexes and the independent woman. Women and men in marriage are to complement one another and act as one. Couples must play together, vote as a unit, attend the same church and work to enjoy and love one another. If one does not "work" to make a marriage, little commitment is there! No commitment means God's will is secondary to the idol we all worship: Our-self, Me or I! You say, "But I no longer love him (or her)!" That takes work! "Thy desire shall be to thy husband" means that God commands a woman and man to love one another. Being contentious is not an emotion of amelioration:
Proverbs 25:24 (NIV) "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."Those who find fault with each other drives the other to sin! This passage is not a legitimate reason for divorce, but merely an explanation for one of the main faults causing divorce! A woman (or man) is argumentative, knit-picking, and makes life miserable for the other. Rather than divorce the offended mate should separate themselves from the arguing partner by taking some recourse. Living on the corner of the roof is the suggestion, but perhaps a separation is what it means. At any rate, the object of the instruction is not divorce, but changed behaviors and we all need to change toward harmony and peace "they shall be one flesh"! The offending mate's obligation is to look at the partner, the mate, through the God-given lenses of love and commitment! The English Standard Version says it best:
1 Corinthians 13:4 (ESV) "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things"First we see what love is not. It's not being contentious and argumentative. It's not being prideful, independent and rude. It's not being self-centered and irritating! Love is patience, belief in one another, hope for happiness and longevity and is a commitment. No where does God say that love is strictly an emotion felt at sometimes, but not others!
Why is marriage so important to God? Our church fathers, according to the word of God, allowed that divorce is beyond grace. It, like blasphemy, is an unpardonable sin! Perhaps it is! Perhaps it's not! Why the dualistic explanation? It may be that divorce is a result of apostasy. It may be that by divorcing we violate the commandment "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me." By placing Self over God, the person ignoring God is idolizing "Self". Whatever the case, divorce is a serious violation of the will of God and there are no loop holes. Divorce, except for adultery, is a sin! I have sinned, repented and asked for forgiveness, but each day I suffer the consequences of my sin (remember that David repented, but there was still dire consequences to his sin). I believe God's grace covers all sins except for blasphemy. His love is sufficient! However, grace is not a ticket to serial divorces! One cannot say "Lord forgive me for what I'm about to do!" Divorce, unfortunately, is the road most traveled because we are a disobedient people. God's ordained institution is not to be taken frivolously.
Some churches "punish" those divorced by not allowing them to become deacons. With God, when he forgives us, our slate is wiped clean! He forgets our sins, but some churches don't. They continually remind us that we have sinned! However, the same churches fail to take adultery into mind. Yes, an adulterer, also forgiven, can be a deacon! This raises the question, are those who fornicate on a regular basis husband and wife? Where are we to look? How about let's see what Jesus says:
John 4:16 "Jesus saith unto her, Go, call thy husband, and come hither. 17 The woman answered and said, I have no husband. Jesus said unto her, Thou hast well said, I have no husband: 18 For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly."It would appear that the woman at the well was having sex with another man after she had had long sexual relationships with five others! Yes, "knowing" another person (repeated fornication) is common-law marriage. It is not a holy union, but an unholy one, but is still recognized by God as a marriage, in this case, five marriages. If the woman's relationship was to continue with this man, she would have six! Therefore, those who have affairs are as guilty, even married to the adulterer, and are as much a sinner as is the divorced because long term fornication is marriage! In short, adultery is a violation of the institution of marriage and leads to polygamy which is wrong in God's eyes.
Allowing a deacon to be an adulterer, but not a forgiven divorcee, is a disconnect in thinking! (By the way, most people believe that because she believed that Jesus was he and spread the news, that the woman at the well became a Christian, implying that she was forgiven. God forgives those who act remorsefully and believe in him although they don't outright ask for forgiveness. Their faith makes them whole!)
Why is marriage so important to God? That's the larger issue, but why is divorce so repugnant? The marriage institution is a picture of the Church's relationship to Christ! Like salvation marriage is for life:
Romans 7:1 (ESV) "... the law is binding on a person only as long as he lives? For a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives..."Marriage is forever. A married person is bound by God to stay married. Divorcing is akin to apostasy for the Christian! Just as those who abandon God fornicate with other gods, a divorced person fornicates with another person. If a Christian can't keep the marriage vowels how can they be committed to Christ?
Ephesians 5:22 (ESV) "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.The Church (us Christians) are the bride. Jesus is the bridegroom (scripture many places). He refers to himself as "the bride groom". The divine ordained institution of marriage is as dear to God's heart as is the relationship between Christians and Christ! It's a picture of that relationship with Christ and we're not to have an apostate event (divorce) from Christ or our spouse! We really need to be careful in divorce because once we abandon Christ it's as if we're crucifying him again. Likewise, divorce is a great disappointment to Christ, especially with serial marriages and divorces, even serial sexual partners!
When I was married the first time, I was young and took my marriage vowels frivolously. Saying those words meant nothing to me because I knew not of the sacred institution of marriage. Indeed, I had never considered the seriousness of marriage. That's no excuse for divorce, but divorce is a consequence of failure to take marriage for what it is: serious business and an holy institution! However, when I was married the second time (another sin by the way) I did make a commitment not only to "love, honor and cherish", but wrote my own more stringent marriage vowels to make sure that I understood the life-long commitment I was making. When times get tough, I remember those wedding vowels. I remember God's commands. I remember the good times and "for better and for worse" I did she wed!
Love is a hard thing, but commitment is necessary. I have likened myself to "Shallow Hal", but in reality, I'm "Sincere Sid". Outside of my marriage to Christ, the next most important thing in my life is marriage. Divorce would be like death... just like spiritual death. The most stressful thought in life is that Christ doesn't love me. The second most is like the first; that my wife doesn't love me. With the first I die a Spiritual death, with the latter I my spirit dies!
1 John 4:7 (ESV) "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God."Where do we get love? It's from God! You don't have any love within you? Get it from God! That's the "gettin' place"!
And for those who are single, I ask that you consider strongly, is it lust or love? Marriage based on lust is doomed for failure unless the potential marriage partners take seriously the commitment required to make the marriage enduring and dedicated to God. Both parties, to do that, must take Christ seriously to enable themselves to take marriage seriously! Marriage is more than a wedding. It's the combination of a commitment to life together and death together "until death do you part"!
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