Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Interview from Hell: Karl Marx

Bill: This is Bill O'Really from the Fakter. I'm so glad you could join us today. Join me for an exclusive interview with Karl Marx. Herr Marx has agreed to speak with us today because, in many minds, he yet lives ,and he wants to clarify what went wrong! Herr Marx, or would you prefer to be called Karl?

Karl: Ich bevorzuge Herrn Marx, aber Sie k├Ânnen mich anrufen Karl.

Bill: I'm sorry. I forgot to turn the translator on! What was it you were saying?

Karl: (exasperated): Just call me Karl. It sure is hot in here!

Bill: As usual I descended to hell in a climate controlled booth wrapped in the finest most expensive reflecting heat shield. Although we do try to make you comfortable, after all hell is five times hotter than fire, or so I understand.

Karl: I'm not getting use to it, but I'll make do! By the way Bill, have I said "I hate you!"

Bill: I was going to say as usual "What say you?", but you beat me to the draw (laughing).

Karl: Don't laugh at me Bill. That's offensive. I believe you accuse socialists of being "politically correct", but that's just "social justice" which I propagated.

Bill: (as Karl wipes his brow): Social justice didn't get you very far, did it Karl?

Karl: What do you mean by that?

Bill: You meant good, but goodness at the expense of others is evil. It seems that you have your just deserves.

Karl: Oh, you've drank the kool-aid too, Bill. Religion is just the opiate of the people. Weak people believe in God because they can't face reality. They fantasize heaven so that they can face the future, but it doesn't even exist!

Bill: But do you believe in hell?

Karl: No, but it sure is hot wherever I am and I have no friends here. I recognize my colleagues: Ingles and a few others, but they only glare at me and spit. That spit spews and evaporates before it hits me, thank God!

Bill: That's hell you just described! Karl, get real! You're in hell. Just say so!

Karl: If I admit that there is a hell then I must allow that there is a heaven. Just can't do that Bill. Too proud I guess! If I say there is a heaven, Christians claim that's God's house. I don't believe in God so there is no heaven and hence, this can't be hell!

Bill: But earlier, Karl... and I quote, you said "thank God!"

Karl: That's a Freudian slip. I didn't mean to credit God.

Bill: If there is no God who is responsible for you being in hell?

Karl: Reality is what you make it! This isn't real. As my mind clears, this place, which resembles hell, will go away. I believe in that!

Bill: So it's stupid to believe in God, but savvy to credit chance? You're just waiting for Darwin to be right?

Karl: He had to be right. I based my socialism on his ideas! Oh, Charles is right over there! Charles, help me out here!

Darwin: Damn you. Go to hell, Karl!

Bill: Charles seems to be in the same predicament that you're in! Maybe you should be friends!

Karl and Charles (in unison): I hate him!

Bill: There seem to be a lot of hate in hell. Well, let's look at your Utopia.

Bill: Wasn't socialism supposed to create a Utopia? What we call heaven on earth? What went wrong?

Karl: Socialism failed because stupid people held onto a belief in God. They failed to put the government first.

Bill: That sounds right. It's still that way, but socialism has crept in anyway.

Karl: Most people pleasure themselves with drugs, hedonism and power hunger. It was supposed to happen slowly without notice, but my student Stalin went too fast! People got wise to him because they looked at Europe which went socialist so slowly that no one noticed. That was what I intended. What my enemies call "creeping socialism".

Bill: Is there a chance socialism can still prevail?

Karl :It will! Kruschev believed that the west will be crushed from within. He said that America will be destroyed without firing a shot!

Bill: Is that happening?

Karl: America is at that point right now! God isn't dead yet, but he's dying slowly. Even the churches are rotting. They promote abortion, feminism, and even homosexual marriages. Those ideas belong to me!

Bill: You agreed with homosexual marriage???

Karl: No, I believe in sexual freedom. It's only God... Oops!... The thought of God which inhibits sexual freedom. As for marriage, socialism sees marriage as an interference to individual contribution to the state. We don't believe in marriage or families. People need to forget institutions and pay allegiance to the state.

Bill: And where did those beliefs get you, Karl? Where's your hope?

Karl: My hope was in the government. I don't think I'm wrong. It's just that death is real and I died.

Bill: But you're alive in hell! I mean whatever you call it.

Karl: I wish I was dead dead, but for some reason this infernal heat is eternal. It never lets up! I just wish I had one taste of water. Even putrid water!

Bill: If I told you that you could get out of here, would you change?

Karl: Comrade Satan says hell, I mean here, is forever!

Bill: What if?

Karl: I won't change for anybody... even God if there is one!

Bill: That's a lot of pride you have Karl!

Karl: For some reason I always had pride and I saw no reason to change.

Bill: Karl, it seems to me that you're just like the bourgeoise which you spoke of.  You're as bad as they are! Shame on you.

Karl: I hate you, Bill. I hate POX Network. I hate! I hate! I hate!

Bill: You're a hater just like Hitler then. Do you know Adolph?

Karl: I see him sometimes. He's in the worst part, but they make us kneel to him. That's demeaning! He used my ideas and then screwed with the people's minds. They think he was a fascist, but he was one of mine! Hitler even named his party "National Socialist", but progressives credit him with something else to make their own stinking skins smell sweet. Hitler is mine, but I still hate him too!

Bill: It's getting late here. I've got to go to beat the traffic down. I'll give you the last word!

Karl: If there really was a God he wouldn't let me suffer here!

Bill: It seems that he gave you many chances, Karl. It seems you chose eternity unwisely! Don't blame God, who you don't admit exists, for your own rebellion.

Karl: Go to hell, Bill. See you soon!

Bill: Pull me up, crew. I want to get the hell out of here!

Bill (on the way out): Our word for the day is "rationalize". When writing to the Fakter never rationalize fantasy as facts.

Bill: Stay tuned for a followup interview with Mr. Marx. Greata than Sufferin will see if Karl would change if given another chance. Give him hell, Greata!

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