Confidentiality and Friendship

Confidentiality hardly exists anymore. Even with the best friend, or even the preacher, few people can keep a conversation to themselves. Friendship is being able to share the innermost secrets, yet trust the person to remain mum! As Elaine Bennis and Jerry Seinfeld always said "I'll put that in the vault!" yet the vault door slung wide open, and what had been said in confidence was exposed to the world!

Tidbits are shared with people who are trusted. Often it is said "This is between you and me!', but that statement is uncalled for when its obvious that what is being said is spoken in confidence. Friends know what is to remain among friends and a confidant should know to keep things confidential! Even speaking with anonymity, secrets can be exposed!

Case in point: Wayne and I were speaking at lunchtime. He was telling me a preposterous story about a person he knew and revealed the most secret of secrets. When he was finished exposing this woman for the "crazy" that he believed her to be, I asked  "And when did Linda do that?". Wayne went on exposing even more, then stopped suddenly. He asked ""How did you know her name was Linda? Do you know her?" I responded "She is a friend of a friend, Wayne, and this is a small town!" Wayne had unwittingly revealed the deep dark secrets of his friend and now I knew it all! Linda had just had her reputation raped, so to speak.

Telling "just one other person" is not keeping confidentiality! The vault door is cracked and any passerby is likely to see inside and tell all!

“Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.”
― Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack

or paraphrased in Pirates of the Caribbean:

 "Dead men tell no tales!"

I suppose that only dead men can be trusted because all living tongues expose what only dead men should know!

"Confidentiality" is "entrusting another person with private information not meant to be shared." Professional counselors must always keep confidentiality. It's unethical not too. Not even can law enforcement can require professional counselors to reveal information spoken in confidence! Religious advisers and counselors should do the same. Friends are only friends if what is spoken in confidence remains in confidence. Furthermore, what people do when they are with friends should remain only between friends. We all must be able to be ourselves at some time or another, and friendships require being able to be oneself!

Galatians 6:2 (ESV)  "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

Proverbs 11:13 (ESV) "Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered."

What is the law of Christ? No one knows for sure, but the law of Christ is obviously (to me anyway) what was meant by

Matthew 5:17 "Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil."
Galatians 5:14 For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

First off, it must be recognized that Jesus was referring to The Ten Commandments; God's Law! He was not referring to Mosaic Law which is the supplement and regulations of God's Law. Hence, The Ten Commandments are deduced to mean "LOVE": love God and others! That's the law of Christ.

Looking back at Galatians 6:2 we are to "bear one another's burdens" (ESV). That's how we show LOVE, which is "the law of Christ". In order to share one another's burdens we must maintain confidentiality. Proverbs 11:3 speaks of trust. We are not to reveal secrets of another... period! Even friends may slander! "Slandering" is "speaking falsely of another person so as to ruin their reputation", but even when we speak malevolent truths about a friends, it still ruins reputations. It appears that "slander" from God's viewpoint is "revealing a friend's confidentiality" because to do so is to harm!

What is so important about confidentiality? From a personal standpoint, I would love to have another person of whom I trust to help me with spiritual challenges and even personal dilemma's, but I just can't do that! I've learned the hard way that only "dead men tell no tales"! What is spoken to friends in secret most often reverberates from the tongues of enemies. Thinking "I'll just tell one other person!" is foolishness, because the first can't even keep the secret that he is bound to keep! Therefore, I have no other to which to share my burden. That's a profound feeling of being alone in this world! I've learned not even to trust preachers because they are human too!

In my actions around friends I want to be myself. In being me, perfection is not always there! I do mess up at times and there are some things that I prefer to be between me and my true friend, Jesus! There is no purpose served when others expose to the world my sins, when the only way to forgiveness is by repentance. Others gloating over my imperfections are a form of slander. It may be true, but the purpose is to defame; to ruin my reputation. People endeavor to elevate their own stature by reducing the stature of another. That's shallow people and friends would not be that shallow or callous!

On the other hand, there should not be friends with whom we feel free to sin! True friends admonish sin, but they are to rebuke the person eye to eye. Rebuking another through the proverbial "grapevine" is gossip!

Ephesians 4:29 (ESV) "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."

It's graceful to speak good of other people, not gloating at the misfortune or misbehavior of another! When a brother errs, we are to encourage ( 1 Thessalonians 5:11). It's not to be false encouragement. Self-esteem is not of God! It must "fit the occasion". Telling a sinner that a sin is okay is not befitting the occasion. Telling someone who fails that failing is okay, is not befitting the occasion!

We all need friends who remain silent when silence is intended! Sure, it's okay to "roast" another because we're all "roastable", but "roasting" must never reveal secrets, tear down or damage the reputation of another! Even if what you are saying is "good" or "complimentary", others can skew the statement from "good' to "derogatory". Even compliments are best said face to face! Friends who compliment one-on-one can be depended on to rebuke only one-on-one. A pattern of confidentiality and trust must be established!

One of the worst words in the dictionary is "denigrate". It's saying unfair or dishonest things about another person to belittle their stature in the eyes of others. Friends don't denigrate! Friends build-up and encourage. Friends don't gloat over the misfortune or the mistakes of another! If I mess up and am judged harshly by another, before long the judge will be judged harshly by someone else! What goes around comes around! When we judge others, we are to judge face-to-face, not with condemnation, but with love, and by the same standard with which we would want to be judged. We are not to judge in the court of public opinion because a good prosecutor can sketch a picture which makes the innocent appear horrid! Friends do are to do this:

Luke 6:31"And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise"

That's The Golden Rule! Abide by it and be a true friend. A trusted friend!