Faking It

Sometimes I have the feeling that others are faking it. Sometimes I have the feeling that I am faking it! It's a horrible feeling for me because hope must be real. False hope is no hope at all!

Why do I feel this way?

Christians seem to be more drawn to fun through entertainment than security in Christ. What I'm alluding to is that when all the sinners are destined to hell, Christians should be so distraught that we can't sleep. Instead its all about pleasing ourselves.

My readership is normally 70 to 100 hits per day. Right now it's down quite a bit. Trying not to be prideful I blame it on the summer weather; the time when people give God a vacation from them so that they can do summer things. It's not my pride that I'm worried about. It's them. It's me!

Even in the summertime I try to give God a fair shake. I start my day off by reflecting on what he plants in my heart. I get excited with what I learn and want to share it. I'm not always certain that I get excited for God or excited for me. That's that "faking" feeling. That's when I think "It's all about me!" It's not supposed to be that way. It's to be all about Jesus!

I'm supposed to love Jesus for saving me. I'm truly grateful, but I have a problem with love. I value my family and friends, but the emotion of love is hard for me. Sometimes I can't cry even though I know that I should be crying. Sometimes I shirk communication because I fear bad news. I often think that things are easier when no one is around to upset me. I care about what others think of me and if I'm not around people the thoughts are less dominant in my life. In short, even though I seem to be outgoing inside I'm a loner. Loners aren't loving. They are self-involved. That's why I sometimes feel as if I'm faking it.

People get excited with music. Christians get excited with Christian music. For secular music I wouldn't  walk across the street to hear most. I seldom turn on my radio. Even for Christian music fifteen minutes will suffice. I like it, but it doesn't excite me. Music is just not my cup of tea. I wish that I did get excited by Christian music. Because I don't I often feel like I'm faking it! Others get excited when demon possessed hedonists bounce around on stage gyrating like devils. Christians who like this stuff, I judge sometimes unfairly; are they faking Christianity? How can a Christian love so much the things of the world?

My desire is to have faith, have hope and have joy. I do have faith and hope, but joy is often missing. I'm sure others are the same way. I suppose that because I still sin that my joy is diminished. I want to be perfect; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak! With the threat of death advancing I think on it more often. I know that I don't deserve eternal life because I still have sin in my life. True, I have less trouble with sin as I get older, but it will always be there! It's like the ringing in my ears!

I have tinnitus. That's why I'm awake at 4:00 a.m. My focus this morning while in my bed was on the never ceasing screaming in my ears. Truthfully, it's enough to make me want to die so as to end it all. I pray that it goes away, but yet it's always there. I can't turn it off nor even turn the volume down. My life is all about a high frequency scream. It makes me want death, yet I stull fear it.

My tinnitus is much like the sin in my life and surely in yours. It's always there. It can't be turned off. Unlike tinnitus, sin comes and goes, but it always haunts. Because I know that in one minute I may sin, it steals my joy. Satan's helpers are always there. When my "sin tinnitus" is dampened for a spell, evil forces twist the knob introducing the noise of sin into my mind. They plant in my mind "It will never go away. You will always be a sinner!" That's a true statement and even evil spirits use twisted truth to disrupt joy.

With the thought that sin will always be part of me, that's when that "faking feeling" comes over me. That's what it's all about because "faking" is "doubt". I don't doubt Jesus, but doubt myself. How can I even have the pretense of love when I'm not emotional. Even if I go upfront to pray I ask myself "Is it for me or for appearances?" I want others to think that I'm righteous and obedient, but I'm not. Satan says, "You're faking it!" Sometimes I consider that thought and fall for what he says. Is he right? Am I faking it? It's then I try to turn off my spiritual tinnitus, but it doesn't seem to go away.

I pray for my tinnitus to subside. I prayed this morning. It didn't quit. Likewise, I pray for my spiritual tinnitus to cease. It too is still there. Believe it or not, if I could cry I would feel relief. Emotion camouflages my tinnitus. When I am excited, cry or even distracted I can endure that constant irritation. When I'm excited in the Lord, that feeling of faking it subsides. I just wish that more love and joy was there!

I have little trouble with outward sins. God has been gracious to me. I never curse. I have never even as the old person, used God's name in vain.  I have no trouble with sobriety. I hate drunkenness and drug use. I dislike filth. Dirty jokes aren't funny to me. They are immature and disrespectful. Overeating isn't a big issue. I have will power. God helps me in my temptation.

You see, the things of the flesh; these things are works. I am successful in not doing evil things. It makes me feel like I'm righteous, but I still have the sense that I'm faking it. Why? Because obedience alone is salvation by works. True salvation is all about love. I confess it! Works are easy, but love is extremely hard. People can be hard to love because they are just like me. I'm hard to love because I am into self. I have trouble with me! The things of the heart haunt me. Do I love my enemy? Do I even love my friend? Do  I love God? That's the hard part about being a Christian. I assume that others are just like me because I don't sense much love in my vicinity.

It can't all be me because others are to love their enemies. Perhaps it's is me, but surely it's you as well. I know that a few people dislike me enough to avoid me. Because I'm a Christian it's imperative that we be of one accord. If we're not the Holy Ghost stays away. He doesn't comfort when there is discord. Because some don't care for me the discord alienates the Holy Ghost from my presence. My joy is stolen. I feel as if I'm faking it!

It's an awful feeing, but thank the Lord, it comes and goes. As I walk through the ritual of prayer, testimony, and even praise I ask myself  "Do I truly love Jesus or am I faking it?" Satan says "You're faking it." God wants me to be assured that it's real. Only the word can turn the most powerful tinnitus off. Unlike the noise in my ears, Satan flees the word. I just wish the sound I always hear was as responsive. It too takes joy from my life! I don't deserve for it to cease, but maybe someday it will go away, even for a spell. That would bring relief!

I wish that the insecurity I sometimes feel would go away. Perhaps it never will. However, I want to truly feel love for people and for God! That is my prayer. It's not one which is easy to answer, but I have faith that it will come about.

I don't sing in church right now. I want to sing, but I want joy when I sing. It's not something that I want to fake by singing. When one hears my song, hopefully soon, my joy will have returned. The loss of joy is the despair which makes one feel as if they are faking it.  That's an awful feeling. Pray that my ability to feel emotional is restored. Pray that you learn to love as well. I'm sure that I'm not alone!