Dysfunctional Family: The Victim

When one person in the family is psychological "sick", it has an affect on the entire family system. "Sickness" is not a disease or illness but an imbalance from what should be.  It's how some people's defense system operates as a result of someone else's imbalance. Some degree of dysfunction is exhibited by all the family members. The individual cannot be taken alone but only with the whole. Without regard to the "sickness" which cause the dysfunctions, let us examine one of them - 'the victim'.

The victim is the person who has taken on the roll of self-pity. Everyone is against them, maligns them, and even the whole world is against them. Nothing is ever their fault, hence they are the most unforgiving of the family members. Added  to the victim role is that it also may be partially genetic. Perhaps the mother or father had the same characteristic, or even multiple ones.

People even become victims when they fail to get their way or even adequate attention.

Victims isolate themselves from further pain. Rather than coming to the realization that they create their own pain, they blame others and never forgive other people for their perceived wrongs. Of course, those wrongs can be real or imaginary. Victims create scenarios where others are against them, and they come to their own defense. Either they strike out at others or isolate themselves.

Both of these traits are part of the "sickness". Disguised angers or self-pity allows them to take it out on others for their own discomfort. They will never stand-up and arise from their self-induced malaise. They actually let the behavior of others set the tone for their behavior and emotions.

The "victim's" temperament is usually melancholic. That has three main characteristics: wisdom, analytical, and usually quiet. Of course, these three traits are used for them and against others if the melancholic person is the victim. However, they misapply wisdom, are analytical with a bias toward themselves, and use isolation as a tool of revenge.

When the victim analysis a situation, the facts used are ones which vindicate themselves and blame others. Without using true wisdom, they feel comfortable with perceptions without regard to facts. Even if thinking is factual, rather than accepting that the world is not "self-centric", the facts are used against their perceived perpetrator(s).

The victim dysfunction has a tendency to be angry at the world. They are sad or dismayed mostly because of others. With their malaise, others avoid them. Even their reputation becomes part of the "sickness". Other acquaintances avoid them because they are mostly bearers of bad news. Much of the "badness" they encounter is self-induced by their own personality. These people seem to be loners by choice or by reputation. Few want to encourage them in their negative-thinking.

Victims are pessimists by nature. Since the world is against them, they seek refuge from the turmoil and chaos they wish to avoid. The assumption is that things will go wrong and others are against them. They seek to avoid bad feelings by isolation. They even fail to enjoy their blessings.

Some family members may side with them. Dysfunctional families group by dysfunction! This grouping of similarly oriented victims are their own support group. They all become victims together, and take refuge together. The victimization is additive. When one member feels wronged, all the victim-group does as well. Then they huddle as a group, and make their assigned "culprits" into really bad guys.

As are all "sicknesses", psychological ones are viral. They are passed along to others if others fall into the trap of empathizing with perceived wrongs. With time, many others can be infected with some degree of being the victim as well.

Victims can be helped! They can step out of their malaise by being more positive, loving, and not so analytical - always considering how they've been wronged.  Even if they have been wronged, those with this dysfunction can help themselves by rising above it. They can forgive the perceived wrongs as well as real wrongs. Forgiveness is a characteristic of a loving person. Victims don't know how to love as they are more into themselves than others.

How often should victims forgive? As often as any other:

Matthew 18:21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

Seven is God's number. However, Jesus is not giving here an algebraic formula for forgiveness. His implication is that one never cease to forgive. It doesn't even matter who is wrong!

Matthew 5:22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment... 23  Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24  Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. 

You can see from this that forgiveness isn't based on who the culprit is or is not; forgiveness and reconciliation is expected regardless of the circumstances!

Incidentally, forgiveness includes forgetting and loving. What if Jesus forgave you, but still held a grudge, and then failed to love you anymore! Those who forgive but not forget are grudge-holders, and falsely claim to forgive. They only fool themselves by claiming forgiveness!

Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.

 The victim is bitter at being victimized whether it is real or not. That should be put away. Even when a bitter person denies anger, it is anger which rules them. Living in bitterness and rage makes one more sick. They are prone to get worse rather than better. Any dysfunctional person should want to improve but "victims" demand that everyone else improve for them to feel good.

The victim even has another god. Their god is their own "self". Without regard to what God expects out of them, they seclude themselves to protect their "god" from harm and from being toppled. Their own god rules their little world to protect them from further victimization. They seclude themselves out of harm under the protection of self-defense. They fail to depend on God when He is most needed.

I once had several people who either said they hated me, or I perceived that they did. I went to the lady most suspect, and did a good deed toward her. She responded with gratitude, and became a great friend and ally. That made me feel so good that I went to one who hated me. I apologized for my "whatever" wrong I did or even my "ways". He shook hands and graciously accepted my apologies for whatever made him a victim. He became a good friend. I kept doing that, and as I did, I got the rewards! I never felt better. You see, we are all "victims" at some time or another, and we should not want it to become a sickness. Forgiveness, kindness, and a loving attitude is the cure of feigned or real victimization.